I used to feel that I needed to be perfect in order to be loved. If I wasn’t ‘good enough’ then nobody would love me. This was in the form of good grades at school, then in the form of having a perfect body, then it came in the form of being a perfect business owner. As I got older it then came in the form of needing to be fun enough- one of the things I have struggled with the most is the need to be fun and adventurous enough.
I look at it all and the only thing I noticeably feel about it all now is how fucking exhausting it all is.
I think a lot of this comes from just being a woman brought up in the patriarchy. So much is expected of us, we are supposed to perfect but we have to be perfect without trying – if we are seen to be trying too hard we are shamed but if we are seen to not try we are shamed. If we look good we are celebrated, but look too good we are objectified, if we are intelligent we are celebrated but too intelligent we are ‘threatening’. We told we are attractive for being fun but if we are too fun and we are ‘wild, unruly, slutty’ etc etc, our freedom becomes ugly. Confidence is sexy but too confident and we become full of ourselves *EYE ROLL
This is something I have been digging into for a while now and I have made great leaps. I started questioning who I was doing things for, and slowly I have been making changes. If I am not doing it for me I have stopped doing it. Like wearing a bra, or makeup, or doing my hair. I always did those things to be ‘feminine’ but I have re-defined the word ‘feminine’ and now, for me, feminine means wild woman, it means freedom, it means unapologetically being who the fuck I am, and all those expectations and limitations and boundaries are crumbling away.
Feminine means powerful, it means connected to Earth and seasons and magic and Universal love. The word ‘perfect’ is becoming less and less important to me, for me now, I am focusing on freedom.
Healing is not linear. It is messy and complex. Here I share excerpts from my journaling practices to help you see what it can really look like. I hope it helps you to heal too – Gina x