Ever found yourself tied up in knots over an insane contradiction – asking “Am I too much? or am I not enough?”
After reaching out and talking more openly to other women about my deepest, darkest moments, it’s become all too clear just how many of us have become a tangled in this web of contradiction. Asking, am I too much? And not enough?
For as long as I can remember I have feared that I am not enough.
As a child I wasn’t intelligent enough, then as a teen I also wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough or sexy enough. As a young adult I added not being fun enough to the list. Yup, one of my most crippling insecurities as an adult is that I am boring.
I have struggled with this for years, worrying that I’m not funny enough, witty enough, confident enough, clever enough. That I am plain looking and not adventurous enough in spirit or bold enough in bed. That my mind isn’t stimulating enough, my work isn’t creative enough and my body isn’t attractive enough…. The list goes on and on.
Then, it comes to showing up online or running a business or starting new relationships. Despite all those fears of not being funny/stimulating/bold enough, I dim my light. Because I fear someone will actually be turned off by me showing up as my full self.
To boldly claim my sexuality, to shout about my adventures and future plans, to be outspoken about views I hold that others might deem controversial…yup, you guessed it. Too much.
Too outspoken, too easy, too strong willed, too opinionated, too provocative, too masculine, too feminine, too independent, too… too… too…too much ME.
There is a painfully on point reference that resonates me in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, when The Hatter tells Alice:
“You’re not the same as you were before…you were much more muchier…You’ve lost your muchness.”
You are a magical individual, no box will hold you
This paradigm of being too much whilst also being not enough is instilled in women in our society from birth. We still have deeply ingrained notions about women being modest, paragons of virtue, comfortably able to be shoved into a box someone else has designed.
But now women are rising up and wising up to this nonsense – and even Pandora is out of her box.
The thought of not being accepted or being deemed not enough by another person is devastating; regardless of how powerful and badass you are. But if you find yourself daydreaming about unashamedly showing the world your full range of colours and aspects, there is action you can take to disentangle yourself from the web and reclaim your muchness.
Ready to reclaim your muchness?
I don’t claim to have fully nailed this myself, and reclaiming your muchness is a constant practice. Much like healing. But I am definitely on my way. And some of the ways I am working on this aspect of healing are available through Wild as the Moon. I want to share with you, the tools I have learned so far and the tools I will learn int he future. We are stronger when we stand together.
5 ways you can start reclaiming your muchness
- Practice awareness – recognise when situations or conversations have you caught between being too much or not enough.
- Integrate a release work practice.
- Acknowledge old patterns and focus on nurturing the triggered part of yourself.
- Remember, pretending not to care and pushing down your feelings is not the same as being unashamedly yourself without concerns about not being enough.
- Learn to love yourself in all your muchness first.
I hold free monthly women’s circles on Zoom, to hold space for you to learn about and practise all of this.
The ONLY person whose opinion matters about you, is you. Everything else slots into place after.
It’s important to find all the qualities about yourself that you DO like first. Focus on those, nurture those, tell yourself why you like that about yourself. It’s like a positive snowball effect, self love is healing and in turn more self love germinates.
Figure out why you feel too much or not enough. Is this really how you feel? Or is this something you have learned to feel?
Find out who you really are, and then love the shit out of her.
You deserve to love yourself and you deserve to be able to hold the exact amount of space in this world that you want to hold.
Never give your power away, don’t chase, be patient with yourself, accept yourself. Establish yourself; your habits, your basic foundations, your commitments. Always be there for yourself first. Yes, you may lose some people in the process but they didn’t value who you were anyway. In turn you will attract those who will value you and love you for who you are, in all of your muchness.